


Suffering for Happiness' Sake

by abbyvonnormal



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-15
Updated: 2013-11-15
Packaged: 2018-01-01 15:53:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1045735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abbyvonnormal/pseuds/abbyvonnormal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Sirius' death, he remains a constant in Remus' life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Suffering for Happiness' Sake

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not going to lie, this isn't happy, but it's not all that sad either – see title. I've sort of taken liberties with Teddy's age during Deathly Hallows. Extra special love for my beta, [heartofspells](http://archiveofourown.org/users/heartofspells/pseuds/heartofspells/), who didn't kill me after reading through this; thank you. Written for the 2013 [RS Games](http://rs-games.livejournal.com/).

He was just fighting and now he's falling. He knows he's falling. He falls for so long he's certain he'll never hit the bottom of whatever this is. He finally opens his eyes, realises he's just floating, floating on a sea of nothing with no one here but himself. He thinks he hears something, just beyond... what, is that, a veil?

Somehow, Sirius is able to pull himself to just at the edge of the veil, looks desperately beyond it and his heart sinks at what he sees; Remus, his love, holding back his godson while Harry is screaming. What happened?

Sirius watches on. He can do nothing but watch as Harry practically yanks himself away from Remus, his Moony. Harry runs away from Remus to some unknown destination. Sirius can't seem to not watch as all but Remus is left, on his knees, crying with no other care in the world. If he squints, Sirius can make out the 'I love you' that forms around Remus' lips.

Sirius screams, as loud as he can, "Remus! I'm here! I'm right here!"

But Remus doesn't hear him.

Eventually, Remus leaves and Sirius is left alone beyond the veil.

Sirius makes this as his determined final vow that he will find a way to get to Remus again. This isn't how it's supposed to end, never like this.

"Damn it all, Remus. You're the smart one. How am I going to get out of here, to see you again?" Sirius asks to no one. Only the cool air passing through him answers.

He yells again, wanting to kick something, anything, just to feel it. He knows he's dead, but that doesn't matter. What matters most, and always has, is Remus.

He makes it to the edge of the veil again. As he feels his way around the edge, he is surprised when his fingers slip on the other side, the reality side. He smiles.

Pulling himself up, beyond the edge, he grins and runs around the veil, shouting hurrahs and in his excitement, accidentally falls towards one of those huge rocks that he had tried to push Harry behind. He expects to fall into the rock, but instead, he falls right through it and lands on his butt.

While sitting there, he puts both of his hands in front of his face and notices that he can see through them slightly as he waves them around the empty room.

"So this is death. I'm left to live as a ghost." Sirius comes to grips with himself and imagines himself somewhere different, somewhere where there used to be love.

Love is anywhere Remus is, so Sirius thinks about Remus' flat, where he just was last night, and he's there in the blink of an eye. Of course, if Dumbledore had known that Padfoot was out, away from Grimmauld Place, Dumbledore'd likely kill hi— too late for that.

"Remus!!" Sirius yells, looking up at Remus' window. "Remus, I'm here!"

He's certain that Remus is home, Sirius can see the bedroom light is on.

He tries again, yelling until he's hoarse. Still, there's no answer. Frustrated, Sirius slumps down near the edge of the building. "Damn it all, Moony."

Sirius waits outside the flat; he doesn't get cold, instead he watches as leaves fall from the trees and listens to happy couples walk around bundled together speaking in soft voices, not knowing he's there hanging on to every word they say.

Sirius waits several days for Remus to finally appear outside. He sees that Remus' face is sunken in, like he hasn't eaten properly since Sirius' death; it's not been that long. Remus' eyes are red, unmistakably looking like he's been crying for what seems like years.

Sirius reaches out to grab Remus' hand, and it just... it goes right through him. Sirius hadn't expected anything less, but he just wants to touch Remus so bad, wants to wipe away the sadness that is all over his face. Sirius doesn't try it again, instead he walks silently beside Remus, a path he's certain they've taken before; Sirius remembers being Padfoot and sniffing at the door of the bakery. He sees Remus look up at the door. 'Yes, that one right there, Remus,' Sirius thinks to himself; there's no point in talking to someone who can't hear you.

It looks as though Remus actually seems to have a real destination in mind, all Sirius can do is follow. Every now and then, Sirius sees Remus reach up to the breast of the left side of his jacket. He can't help but be curious, wondering what's stashed there.

Sirius gets a little distracted by the familiar walk and starts humming, a bit off-key; Remus always told him not to quit his day job. He pauses in his little tune and looks around the park they've walked to. He hears a noise that's not coming from him and listens while Remus hums the rest of the song.

Once they finally reach Remus' destination, Sirius recognises it immediately. This bench, it's meant for happy memories; their first kiss, their first touch, their love is here, Sirius can feel it like it's some omnipotent being.

There's no one else around when Remus sits down, leaning back a little bit. Surely the memories are coming to him, all those wonderful moments they've shared right here. Sirius sits down next to Remus, his curiosity is piqued once again when Remus opens his coat and pulls out a single black rose. He rolls it around with his fingertips slowly and finally pauses to set it down in the gap between them.

Sirius watches as his lover falls to pieces before his eyes. Remus puts his head in his hands, rocks himself forward and cries silently to himself. Not for the first time, and certainly not the last, Sirius wants so desperately to reach out and hold Remus, to tell him that he's here for him, that everything will be all right, that he loves him.

The next month is quite like the previous. It's exactly one month after Sirius' death when Remus – with Sirius in tow – returns to the bench. Nothing is different, except the air is cooler and Remus is more bundled up. Remus reaches into his coat again and sets down another black rose; silent tears fall down his face. Sirius can only watch with pain and hope that maybe, one day, Remus will be able to move on.

Several more months just like this one pass. Sirius knows that he should go see other people that meant something in his life, but he just can't, not yet, not knowing that Remus is still his everything.

\- - - -

It's nearly the year anniversary of Sirius' death and it doesn't look like much has changed. Remus is still too skinny and there are new scratches on Remus' skin that Sirius is able to see. Sirius sees something that he really doesn't expect, but in actuality, he should've known it would be inevitable.

When Remus leaves his flat this time, there's another man with him. It's only Harry, but Sirius still feels jealous that Harry can talk to him and converse with him when Sirius cannot. Still, Sirius listens while Harry explains to Remus what's going on at Hogwarts and Remus tells him what's going on in the Order. They discuss things in light and hushed voices, wary of the people that pass by.

When they get to the bench, Remus tells everything there is to know about him and Sirius. Remus tells Harry that he's not the only one who loved Sirius with all his heart; how they fell in love; how Remus knew he'd want to be with Sirius for the rest of both of their lives, and how short that promise was; how Remus has been here every month, regardless of life or Order circumstances, even the moon's cycle, to place a single black rose down to honour his dead loved one. Harry only listens, but Sirius sees Harry look away and wipe the tears that threaten his own face.

Sirius leans back and sighs. It's nice to know that he was loved; _is_ loved.

Instead of following Remus back to his flat, Sirius stays sitting on the bench alone. Well, he's not really alone; Remus' rose is there to keep him company. There's something about Remus that will always keep him company.

It's the next month when Sirius realises that Remus hasn't shown up to the bench. He's worried, he knows Remus wouldn't miss this for the world. Sirius has always been decent enough to wait for Remus outside his flat, but this time, Sirius knows he's got to check on him, make sure he's all right. He's not exactly prepared for what he's about to see.

His cousin is sitting on the couch with her hand on Remus' knee. 'This is their couch and why is she touching him like that?!' Sirius wants to scream at her. 'It's okay, he's moved on. That's what you wanted, right?' Sirius tries to reason with himself, but he just doesn't understand. Sirius leaves the flat in a huff, not realising when he does, there's a flicker of light that makes both Remus and Tonks jump.

Sirius imagines being in downtown London, so he's there. He imagines what the Eiffel Tower looks like, and he's standing on top of it. He imagines himself isolated from everything, and he's back at the bench.

There's no rose to look at, there's no Remus to watch. Sirius sighs and goes to leave; one final goodbye. He figures, now that Remus has some semblance of life now, he should move on, too.

The world is his oyster and he's going to live it up, come and go as he pleases, ride the wind where ever it takes him. Which is exactly what he does. Even though he's got no one to share these experiences with, he still manages to see the Louvre at night, Paris in the rain, the Sistine Chapel, the Great Pyramids in Egypt, and on, and on, and ever onward. But it doesn't matter that he cannot understand the foreign tongue of the tour guides, he can hear Remus explaining, in depth, his own theory on the way in which the ancient Egyptians were able to create the pyramids, or why the Mona Lisa smiles. Though the memories make him sad, make him long for Remus even more, this is, in his own way, him moving on.

One day, Sirius has enough of travelling alone; you wouldn't believe the actual size of the Statue of Liberty! Sirius never realised how long he was actually gone, until he did make it back to the bench on the two year mark of his death. This time there was a little boy running towards the bench with Remus trying to catch up. This kid has bright red hair. Sirius thinks he might be a Weasley, that is, until he hears Remus tell his son to slow down, just before there's a crash at the base of the bench. Sirius chuckles to himself. 'Yes, this is definitely a child from the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.'

Sirius hasn't been back to the bench in well over a year, but still can see the pain and pull of the weight on Remus when he lays another black rose down on the bench. This time, and for the first time Sirius can remember, Remus doesn't cry. Remus just sits there with his son in his arms, looking grateful that he can share this with another member of his own family. Remus hurries himself and his boy along, away from the park. Sirius notes that it's too quick, something must be going on.

Remus and the child lead the way back to the flat where Tonks is waiting for them outside. Sirius stops short of the edge of the building, where he sat two years ago. He's shocked when he sees Remus pick up a box and a suitcase, packing them into the back of a taxi. Unless he follows, he knows he'll never see Remus again, and he can't live without Remus.

Sirius makes the choice to stay behind, with tears in his eyes and his heart beating wildly in his chest. He turns his back to the taxi, destination unknown.

\- - - -

Sirius gave up on Remus months ago, he knows now that Remus has officially moved on and has forgotten their monthly date at the bench, yet Sirius still shows up, hoping that Remus will too. He understands that there's a war going on, and it must be difficult, but it just doesn't sit right.

He doesn't have to wait too long before something does happen. He feels as happy as Padfoot has ever been; waggling his tail, slobber on his face, ready to lick Remus silly while being scritched at behind the ear. The idea of it makes Sirius shiver with anticipation.

Reality sinks in and it's only three small figures he sees far away. He slumps against the back of the bench and isn't really paying attention when the trio of individuals gets closer. It's only then that he notices that the trio is actually Harry with Ron and Hermione. His heart leaps; maybe they'll speak of Remus, where he is, how he's doing.

"Remus showed me this bench before, a long time ago, not too long after Sirius." He could tell that Harry was still pained by the death of a man he never really got to know. "But we're here to honour him, them both." Now he looks at Ron and Hermione, their fingers interlaced with each other's. "Thank you both for coming with me."

"It wouldn't be right any other way, Harry, you know that." Hermione's voice trembles.

Sirius looks around, then it hits him, Harry's words: 'them both.'

"Where's Remus?!" Sirius' voice is rough from disuse. He still cannot be heard, but he demands to know.

"This one is for Remus," Ron says as he lays down a pink rose.

"This one is for Sirius," Harry says as he lays down a black rose.

"And this one is for their love." Hermione says as she lays down a red rose.

Sirius can't help the tears now, they won't stop, and not even when the trio leaves and Sirius is left by himself in his own puddle of misery. Now he's forever alone.

"Why did you have to leave me, Remus? Why won't you tell me where you went?" Sirius says to himself.

"Because you were already there."

Sirius turns around at the voice and sees the most beautiful thing that has ever meant anything in his entire life.

"Is it really you?" Sirius knows it's a silly question, but after all this time.

Remus leans in, to whisper into Sirius' ear, "You've got me now, forever."

Sirius automatically cups Remus' chin and kisses him gently on the lips.

Remus reaches out for Sirius' hand and they hold each other close, neither wanting to let the other go.

"Come on now, Padfoot, let's go home."


End file.
